Numb
by Loveless1310
Summary: I could almost forget that I hated my life. But, almost is never enough and I do remember why I need to be numb. Draco!centric, no slash, suicide fic.


I've been feeling kinda blah lately and decided to write this when I discovered my skin became numb when I took really hot showers. Sorry if it's depressing or crackish but hey, I can't be perfect...

I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes. I kinda wrote this in a few minutes and don't feel like proof reading it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Draco Malfoy or his terribly depressing life.

Enjoy^^

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Numb

When people think of the word numb, they most always think of the cold. And why wouldn't they? The cold causes so many people to feel numb. But it's not the only way one can feel the sensation of feeling nothing.

When I was growing up, I needed to find ways to feel numb. The Malfoy Manor was always so warm in the winters and the perfect temperature in the summers so I could not rely on the cold brick to bring me numbness.

Father never wanted me to go outside when it was snowing. I think he feared I'd be lost in the pure, innocence that was the snow and finally free of him. He didn't want to lose his perfect Malfoy heir.

So, no. The cold only brought me numbness when I went to Hogwarts and no one was there to stop me from standing in the snow or high upon the astronomy tower for hours until I had become perfectly numb.

So at home I learned early that more then just cold could bring me the numbness I so desired. It started out with the scolding water that I would use to run my bath. I would stay in the burning water until my skin was bright red and I could not feel anything at all.

Mother would fuss if she would see me after one of those hot baths but most of the time I could creep to my room and hide there until my skin had returned to its normal pale complexion. Even with my skin returning to normal, the numbness from the heat remained for hours, if I was lucky, days after.

It was always a nice release to feel numb from the heat and the cold when I was back at school but after a while it grew to not be enough. Yes, they still made me semi-numb but it wasn't strong enough anymore. I needed something much better.

It happened by accident in a way. All because of bloody Potter. He had done it and I had enjoyed the feeling that washed over me.

Of course the saint didn't mean it but I relished in it. The pure pain that came from the cuts. The blood loss that made my body limp and so perfectly _numb_. He had apologized later but it still left my masochistic mind with the best idea.

It started out with little cuts just to feel the pain and then the numbness that came after. But, as all things do, it became not enough. Soon, the cuts would go from my wrist to my elbow in one beautifully carved line. The blood would pour out and I would watch in utter fascination as my skin was stained with the red substance.

Such beauty. The red so bright against the ever paling skin.

But once I'd feel dizzy I'd have to heal the wound and clean up the mess I had made. I always cleaned up my own blood with my hands. It felt better that way to be able to see it again as I would absorb it in a pure white cloth, forever staining it red.

Then the numbness would set in and I could face anyone with my cold, emotionless exterior without my inner emotions ever shining through. I could be cruel to others and never let it show how it did bother me or how much I longed to belong with people that did not fear me.

I could almost forget that I hated my life. I could almost forget that my life had been planned for me before I was born and that I didn't want to be apart of that mold they had created for me.

But, almost is never enough and I do remember why I need to be numb. I do remember why I have figured out different ways to keep myself in this perfect little world of nothing that I created long ago.

Though, the cuts and blood lose aren't working as well as they once they did and I feel that it's almost time to make my numbness permanent. No one will care so why should I stay?

I might have to thank Potter for using Snapes curse on me. If he hadn't, what if I had never found out this way to become numb and then finally to make it last forever.

But I'm pretty smart and most definitely twisted and I probably would have figured it out eventually. But that probably still would have been to long from now.

So now, I'll go run a scolding bath to relax the muscles and make a nice long incision down both arms to see the beautiful red blood flowing down the perfect alabaster skin.

I can feel the dizziness set in and I relish in the numbness I start to feel. It takes me away and I'm floating on a cloud. I can't remember why I wanted the numbness so much or why I thought life was so bad. I don't remember the face of my mother or father or those that were my supposed _friends_. No, all I can remember is red and the vast feeling of nothingness as I drift off forever.

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So, I wrote this while listening to Kutless. For those of you who don't know, Kutless is a Christen rock band. It has nothing to do with the story but I found it funny that I wrote a suicide fic while listening to religious music...

Well I hope you enjoyed my depressing story.


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